LYRE
"Ugh," I mutter, stepping deeper into the camper and waving a hand in front of my face. The stench of angelic essence burns my nostrils like bleach mixed with summer wind—concentrated Owen, basically. "Should’ve brought a gas mask."
The bodies of Archie and Doris lie neatly arranged on the RV’s floor, hands crossed over their chests like they’re auditioning for the world’s most wholesome vampire flick. Not a drop of blood, not a sign of struggle. Just two elderly puppets with their strings cut, wearing placid expressions to make your skin crawl.
I’ve seen this before. Many, many times.
Owen steps around me, careful not to disturb the scene as he crouches beside the bodies. His own scent mingles with the stink emanating from the corpses.
"Are they your relatives?" I ask dryly, moving toward the tiny kitchen.
"Not mine." His voice carries a careful, measured tone. "But yes. Order. Likely angel-descended."
I’m oddly bothered by the pristine state of this camper. Everything is meticulously organized—canned goods arranged by height, dishes stacked with military precision. The counters gleam like they’ve never seen a cooking spill.
I pull open the fridge, finding it fully stocked with condiments, fresh produce, dairy. The freezer contains neatly packed meat and frozen dinners. All the hallmarks of human existence, but not a single plate of leftovers. The mayo squeeze bottle looks like it’s barely been used, and when I check the bucket of margarine, it’s never been touched.
"Interesting," I mutter, shutting the door.
The trash can beneath the sink is nearly empty—but there’s a closed bag next to it. A quick glance inside shows some bones and paper towels with barbecue sauce. Ribs of corn. Things they would have eaten at the barbecue Grace mentioned yesterday, and nothing else.
I check the cabinets: cleaning supplies, dishes, pantry goods.
But there’s no dog food.
"Where’s Sadie’s kibble?" I call out.
Owen doesn’t answer immediately. When I turn, he’s examining Doris’s hand with clinical detachment.
"Owen. The dog. They don’t have food for it."
"They wouldn’t need to," he replies, still focused on his inspection.
Yeah, that’s what I figured.
I tap the panel of tank sensors mounted near the door. Fresh water: full. Gray water, black water: All completely empty. Propane, too. So they have water but never shower, never use the toilet, never cook with gas...
"So let me get this straight," I say, crossing my arms. "We’ve got two ’people’ who don’t use the bathroom, don’t create trash, don’t eat, and don’t feed their magical golden retriever. Did they take over actual humans, or are they just... creations?"
Owen stands, wiping his hands on his jeans like he’s touched something unclean. "They’re always creations. Only Chaos uses real bodies."
"Right," I drawl. "Because that’s so much more ethical."
I return to the living area, my irritation growing when a new presence fills the doorway. Caine stands there, arms crossed over his chest like the brooding apex predator he is, eyes scanning the interior with razor-sharp focus.
His nose wrinkles instantly. "It reeks like Owen in here."
Screw divine bureaucracy and their ridiculous rules. Seven hundred years and I’m still playing their game of "don’t tell the mortals too much or else."
Hey, Your Royal Grump, funny story—your reality is managed by bureaucratic celestial entities with a penchant for pretending to be elderly campers. Also, the dog’s coming with you, whether you like it or not. And it isn’t a dog, so try not to get smote.
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