Ex-Husband's Regret (Ava and Rowan) novel Chapter 117

Ava.

Have you ever felt like you’re just living through the motions? Like nothing and no one around you is real? I googled it. G****e said it was a form of dissociating. It happens especially with adults who had childhood traumas. It’s a coping mechanism where the person separates him or herself from what’s hurting or causing them stress.

After I read that, I realized that maybe Letty was right. Maybe I did need help. Professional help. Maybe I should start seeing a therapist. I know I have issues. Deep seated traumas that I haven’t been able to work through.

Sighing, I stand up and start pacing the room. My mind was racing and no matter what, I couldn’t settle down. I’ve pushed everyone away since that time when everyone was at my house. I’ve refused to take calls or talk to anyone.

I just wanted to be left alone. To process everything on my own. Sometimes I feel the weight of everything falling on me and it’s just hard. It becomes too much to handle some times and I’m left feeling hollow and empty inside.

My phones rings, cutting through the silent space. I check the caller Id, it was Brian calling. I know why. Today is Ethan’s trial and he wanted me to come and testify against him. Just like I couldn’t press charges, I also couldn’t testify.

I’m not condoning what Ethan did. He did some pretty messed up things, but I just can’t bring myself to put a nail on his coffin. Every time I’ve thought about going ahead and pressing charges or testifying, every good moment we’ve shared comes to my mind and I immediately withdraw from the thoughts.

Ethan, the Ethan I knew, was good to me. He made me feel good, and not just sexually. He brought out a side of me I never knew and taught to me embrace it. That’s why his betrayal hurts so much.

With Rowan, I always knew he didn’t like me. Even when we were younger, he tolerated me because I was Emma and Travis’ sister. Yes he hurt me and it broke my heart, but deep down I always knew it was to be expected. His hate for me, no matter how painful wasn’t new.

“This is damn crazy” I tell myself as I put my disguise on.

I get out of my car and walk slowly towards the building. I was giving myself time to back out. I don’t though, instead I walk through the doors. I wasn’t here because I wanted to see justice get served. I was here to see him one last time.

Nora and Theo managed to keep his hearing and wrong doings from leaking to the media. I can’t imagine the kind of damage that would do to their company image. Thought a part of me tells me that they’re doing that for Ethan’s sake.

I internally count the room numbers until I get to the one that was hosting Ethan’s hearing. Slowly, I open the door. Thank goodness it doesn’t make a sound. I didn’t want anyone knowing I was here.