Ex-Husband's Regret (Ava and Rowan) novel Chapter 34

I fix my hoodie so that I can look presentable instead of looking like I had a one on one with death.

“Why are you wearing a beanie, mommy” Noah looks at me suspiciously.

We were skyping after I had postponed it so many times. Mainly because I could barely keep my eyes open for longer than five minutes. Today though, I was feeling much better.

I leaned back against my headboard. The beanie was to hide the bandage. Noah still didn’t know what happened to me and I would make sure he never does.

“It’s a bit cold and I’m feeling a bit chilly” I lie.

I feel guilty for lying to him, but I know it’s for the best. There was no need of worrying him.

“We have a heater mom, you could’ve just turned it on”

“It’s not working and I forgot to get someone to fix it”

Damn it, I hate lying to him. A part of me felt like I was being a terrible mother because it seems I’ve done nothing but lie to him since father died. The other part though, understands that it’s necessary.

“Okay then” he mumbles skeptically.

“So what did you do today?” I ask changing the subject.

Anything that he does excites me even though I’m not there to enjoy it with him. His happiness was my own and I would protect it at all cost.

The frown he had seconds ago transforms into a big smile.

“I saw dolphins today, I even swam with them…it was so fun!!” he shouts, his excitement contagious.

“I wish I was there to see you”

“Don’t worry mommy, grandma took a video. She said she’ll send it to you”

I nod my head at that. I had accepted the phone Rowan got me. Turns out he did more than buy me a new phone. He even replaced my sim card.

“Noah, you have to understand that your father and I are just too different to stay together”

We pretended in front of Noah. Trying to give him the illusion that we loved each other. That we were okay. It was all a sham though. Rowan could barely stand me, but Noah never caught on.

Thinking back, I wish I had refused him when he said we should get married after I accidentally got pregnant. I was naïve back then. Thinking that I could make him love me. That it would only be a matter of time until he was in love with me like I was with him. He never did though.

He locked his heart and the keys were with Emma. Even when we were intimate, it meant nothing to him. It was a biological process. While my feelings were involved, his weren’t. We never made love because he didn’t love me. What we did was fucking and even then he was careful not to get me pregnant. Not to make the same mistake twice.

“Don’t you love him?” Noah asks the same question he demanded of his father a couple of weeks ago.

I want to lie to him but I’ve done enough of that.

“I do, but sometimes loving someone isn’t enough. You won’t understand it now but one day, when you’re older, you will” it’s the only response I can master.

I hope to God he never has to go through what I’m going through. I want him to love and be loved. As much as I hate to say this, I hope one day he gets the kind of love Rowan and Emma have. One that has stood the test of time and it’s still burning bright. I pray that one day I’ll also find that kind of love.