Justice For Juniper (Tatienne Richard) novel Chapter 146

Justice For Juniper

Spilling It Part II

Lucky Draw

“What if,” she bit her bottom lip, “I’m like my mother and despite the fact he hurt me so bad, I still love him thirty years from now.”

“Oh, I don’t think that’s going to be the situation,” Phineas laughed. “Right now, at the risk of sounding like an asshole, it’s muscle memory.”

“Muscle memory?”

“Yes. You love him because it’s what you’ve done for so long. We only need to help you retrain your heart muscles. It’s habit, baby. We’re going to make new habits.”

She shot him a half smile, “I look forward to the exercises.”

Beni leaned forward, “I need to ask though, Juniper. Why hide all this from us? Why so much guilt?”

“We had a conversation a while back about how I was able to just shut Kyst out and move on so quickly and you all gave theories on it. Adil mentioned me having a decisive heart. I guess I kind of wanted to live up to the hype.”

Adil laughed, “baby girl, do you even for a moment, despite knowing part of you still loves him, want to go back to him?”

“No.”

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12:51

Spilling It Part II

Lucky Draw

“Do you want to sleep with him and feel his arms around when you sleep?”

“Nope.”

“Do you want to sit down to a meal with him, talk about old times and laugh and joke around?”

“Not in the least.”

“Decisive heart. You shut that shit down. It doesn’t mean you still don’t feel, baby girl. It simply means when you’re done, you’re done.”

“I guess, I was trying to hide the hurt and the way for many things he’s a first thought when he shouldn’t be a thought at all.”

“That’s on us for making you feel like you shouldn’t still have feelings.”

“We’re learning too.” Phineas shrugged. “We’re going to make mistakes and say stupid shit. We’re going to be supportive to the point of fallacy too. We’re your ride or dies, Juniper. We could justify you murdering someone in front of us.”

She giggled, “I get that.”

“Did you want to call him?” Adil asked interrupting.

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12:51

Spilling It Part II

Lucky Draw

“What?” she looked at Adil with alarm.

“Kyst. Did you want to call him?”

“What on earth for?”

“Because you have told him off more than once. You gave him the little chat the other day, but you controlled it without really giving him an inch. If you have something you want to say to him, if you need to talk to him, then you should. Like you said, he was your best friend for fifteen years. You are permitted to give yourself the closure you need by having an actual conversation with him.”

“No.” she made a face of revulsion at Adil’s suggestion. “I said I miss him, the man I thought I married. I love who I thought he was, and it hurts because I do love that person, but it doesn’t exist, he doesn’t exist. I thought I could treat him like it never happened, convince myself because he lied so much none of it was real. I’m struggling with the fact I love a ghost. There is no closure to be had here with him because it was all lies.”

“I’m sure it wasn’t all lies,” Adil was earnest as he studied her.

“There is no doubt in my mind he loved you in whatever way a sociopathic narcissistic asshole can love someone.”

“Perhaps but the person who loved me is overshadowed by the dirty lying cheat that he is.”

“I only think if you have something you want to say to him, you

“No. I’m not giving him the satisfaction.”

“What do you mean?” Adil pushed.

“I mean he doesn’t deserve to know that I still have feelings or the conflicted way my heart hates and loves him simultaneously. That gives him a power he doesn’t deserve to have over me.

I would rather he thinks I’m completely over him and not thinking of him at all than to give him an ounce of comfort he’s not the only one hurting.”

“I understand.”

“I think this is part of the reason I’m having a tough time. Coming here and being around family, realizing how much he and his family lied and looked down on me, though they never said it to my face until recently, is making me grieve for what never really was. It was all lies. I sat with Beni’s grandparents last night and they were so welcoming and warm, and it dawned on me how much I pretended not to notice because I wanted that family love. I wasted so much of my life on nothing more than a dreamscape. It’s frustrating me. How could I have been so stupid and blind to miss it?”

“You weren’t. Again, the issue is with them and not with you.” Phineas argued.

“Spoken like my ride or die,” she smirked at Phineas.

Lucky Draw

“True. I hate them and I’ll defend you to the death against them.”

“I do need the talk of killing him to stop though,” she made a face at Phineas who didn’t look away from her pointed glare. “You and my father talking like you could kill him is not good.”

“I don’t want him dead. I want him to live forever knowing he lost the best fucking thing on the planet. I hope when he closes his eyes at night and reaches for you and finds your pillow, the one he washed your scent away from because he was scrubbing Denise out of his bed, that he suffers with the knowledge he never gets to hold you again. I hope he hugs that pillow in his misery while we get to hold you in our arms. He has nobody to hold him while he cries, at least nobody worthwhile. You have six arms to hold you when you cry. For the record, you’re allowed to cry, even if it’s over him.”

“Don’t hide from us anymore though, Sunshine,” Beni said seriously. “Whatever is on your mind, good or bad, we want to know it.”

“I promise.”

“Do you feel better?” Beni asked quietly.

“I feel good I got it off my chest, but I still feel guilty that he’s on my mind at all when I have you.”

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12:51

Spilling It Part II

Lucky Draw

“The best way to get him out of your mind, is to build new memories.” Phineas said simply. “We’re here for the good and the bad, Juniper. I think we all need some more sleep and then perhaps a lazy day down on the beach. What do you think?”

Juniper gave an exaggerated sigh and then nodded, “I would really love for some more sleep and for you all to hold me.”

“And some vitamin D once you’re rested?” Phineas grinned.

“Definitely.”

As everyone crawled in around her, Juniper’s heart felt lighter, and she was grateful she had three pushy men in her life to not let her hide from her feelings.

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